Does this sound familiar? It’s a Saturday night. You’ve had a wonderful day with your husband running errands, going out to eat and seeing a show. When you get home, you’re exhausted! It’s time for bed, but there’s just one problem – your husband wants to be intimate before you go to sleep.
This is a common occurrence for many of my clients. One partner has a higher sex drive than the other. It puts tension on a relationship.
• Is something wrong with me?
“Your libido and colloquially sex drive, is a person’s overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity,” according to Wikipedia. It’s determined by biological, psychological and social factors.
Some studies show that men have stronger sex drives than women. One reason for this might be because women are more complex. They’re deeply affected by social and cultural factors, which makes it harder to get as turned on as easily as men.
When it puts a wedge in your marriage, the partner with the higher sex drive could feel deprived. This was the case for one subscriber, Jeremy. He writes:
“I have been with my partner for five years. We live together and are compatible in most ways except sexually. She has a weaker libido and I am the one who constantly has to initiate sex. She always responds to me with ‘I am tired and not feeling well.’ We have spoken about this issue several times and she states that she is happy with having sex once a month. That is not enough sex for me and I am concerned that I am growing resentful toward her. Can you give me relationship advice on ways I could cope and feel more sexually satisfied with my partner?”
My advice: Find a sexual rhythm that works for both of you. Or, if that’s a challenge, the new FDA approved drug Addyi might be a possible solution for you and your partner.
Open communication and compromise is important in this situation. Even though he might feel more sexual, there are ways his partner can satisfy him without putting her own needs aside.
The first step is to open the doors of communication. How well does Jeremy know about his partner’s turn-ons? Finding creative ways to spice up their relationship might bring out the psychological and social turn-ons for his partner.
I also suggest scheduling intimacy. Although it might feel at little too regimented, it’s a great way to set up the expectation and plan time to connect.
If neither of those work, I suggest trying the new drug called Addyi. This is the equivalent of Viagra for men.
Addyi is the first drug approved to treat a flagging or absent libido for either men or women. Experts say, “this is the biggest break through for women’s sexual health since the pill.” The FDA says, “the drug was approved for women whose loss of sexual desire causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty and is not the result of illness, relationship problems, or side effects of other medicine.”
The drugs available are intended to treat certain deficiencies – not increase desire. With this balance, you too can rekindle the intimacy in your relationship.
I want to hear from you! Hit reply and let me know what you think about Addyi. Is it something you’d try if your sexual appetite isn’t on par with your partner’s?
If you are looking for an effective strategy to improve intimacy in your relationship, CLICK HERE
You are unique. The way you express yourself is unique. Everyone has his or her individual communication style, especially when it comes to arguing.
Some people yell. Others withdraw. Some scream. Others become introspective.
As a partner in a relationship, it’s understandable that you might have trouble understanding the other person’s communication style. It can be frustrating when you want to talk and he wants to have some space.
Often, these differing communication styles can conjure up feelings that lead to an explosive moment. When you and your partner are angry, you each say things a little differently. What happens after the heat of the moment has passed?
You can let it go but your partner might not be able to. Those harsh words said in fits of anger linger.
What do you do when you can’t take the words back?
This happened to Noah. He has been with his wife for seven years and married to her for two. They’re happy together but they struggle with their differing communication styles. When she’s angry, she demands answers instantly. When he’s upset, he falls silent.
Over time, Noah’s wife gets angrier, cursing and yelling mean things. One common theme in their fighting is her yelling, “I want a divorce!”
After she calms down, she acts like nothing is wrong. She always claims to have said it in the heat of the moment but didn’t mean any of it. Now, Noah is finding it harder to let go of those belittling and hostile statements.
“Her words have a negative impact on me. This is also affecting our sex life and I am finding it harder to want to be physically intimate with her. How can I handle the way my wife fights and tolerate the aggressive and hostile words from her?”
My advice: Explain and communicate to your wife when you are both calm how painful the residual effects are from the words she chooses to use during arguments. She needs to know it’s hurting the relationship. Learning anger management strategies and using the Time Out when things escalate during an argument can prevent a lot of these statements.
Noah’s wife can learn to manage her anger in various ways. She might want to count to ten before saying something she regrets. She might benefit from removing herself from the situation.
When the fight escalates, it is a wise idea for both people to call for a temporary separation and agree to speak again at a designated time. Then, they can resume the conversation after an hour or two when both people are ready to talk in a more relaxed manner.
Noah’s feelings are real. His wife needs to hear how hurtful her words are for him and how much power they have. She can’t take them back.
Even though she is able to let things go, he isn’t. Noah can help her by making her aware of the invisible scars she leaves every time they argue.
It’s not Noah’s wife’s fault. She could have learned this behavior in her childhood and doesn’t know how to express her anger any other way. Counseling is always available to help her relearn more productive communication styles.
Noah and his wife might also want to work on preventing these types of arguments before they begin.
Prevention and processing is in their best interest for building a healthy relationship.
It’s not uncommon for someone to tell their partner in the heat of an argument that they “want a divorce” even when they don’t mean it. Even so, it’s a damaging statement that can have lingering damage to the trust, commitment, and intimacy of a relationship.
Now it’s your turn. Have you ever said (or heard) this statement during an argument? How did it make you feel? I’m curious to hear how you resolved it with your significant other after the argument.
Want to learn an effective strategy on how to Tame Your Temper and Communicate more Effectively in your Relationship? Click Here for your free audio lesson.