This topic is from a blog reader who struggles with feeling secure in her second marriage.  Since this issue is quite common, I received permission to share the letter and my response here on the blog…

“Dear Rachel,

My husband and I are on are both on our second marriage. I made a pretty clean break from my first husband but my current husband’s ex is still in his life (they have a child together.) He often brings up their relationship and talks about how amazing it was before everything went sour. I don’t believe he still has feelings for her, but it makes me extremely jealous when he talks about all the fun they used to have, vacations they would take, etc. She’s also a very attractive woman and when she comes to get their daughter, I immediately feel insecure because she always looks great. Any relationship advice/suggestions on how I can feel more secure in this situation?”

Great question!  While it’s perfectly normal for the husband, who is also father of the child, to speak to the mother of their child from time to time, this case has its peculiarities. It doesn’t seem he is aware of the hurt being caused when he discusses his ex-wife.  It’s important to communicate to him how this makes you feel and help him understand the impact it has on you.  It’s also important to keep talking about why you chose to be together and love each other.

Try sitting him down and expressing your feelings in the following way:

  1. “When you speak about your ex-wife and the amazing times and fun you used to have it affects me in a negative way and makes me feel insecure.”
  2. “Can you tell me the differences you feel between being married to your ex wife and being married to me?”
  3. “What are the things you love about me and the issues we should work on individually and together?”

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