Arguing is common in relationships and it’s easy to find yourself going in circles with your partner having the same fight over and over again. Usually after a year or more you will learn what “the argument” actually is. Some examples of these arguments often include: “You are such a mess,” “you are always late,” or “you are so controlling,” and so on. So how do we stop having these same arguments and what can put a stop to this endless bickering?
What is Behind the Argument
Often when we get upset, we don’t realize that our buttons are getting pushed and we automatically react. We don’t realize what’s triggered us and get caught up in the same argument all over again with our partner. And, to make things worse, your partner has their own triggers. When we aren’t aware of our triggers, arguments can quickly escalate and take on a life of its own. You and your partner realize after the fight is over you are stuck in a negative pattern.
In my clinical experience couples argue and many say;” we tend to argue about stupid things.” But it’s important to get to the bottom of what you are really arguing about and work on uncovering the emotions behind the reactions. You want to identify the deeper feelings that are getting activated. Try to figure out if you are reacting to fear, anxiety, criticism, low self-esteem or other feelings of vulnerability. We all carry emotional baggage that can negatively affect our relationship. These emotions need to be processed so we can stop reacting and understand each other better.
How Do We Stop The Cycle
When you are both feeling calm and ready you want to carve out time to talk to your partner about what the deeper emotions are that are getting triggered.
talk to your partner about your sensitive buttons. It’s important to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. Make sure you express your feelings and complaints without blaming or shaming your partner.
Validating and empathizing with these deeper emotions helps your partner feel they are being acknowledged and you care. As you identify the deeper feelings you can begin to express them instead of getting easily triggered and reacting to things that don’t even make sense most of the time. The more in touch you are with your feelings and issues, you can express your true feelings to your partner and react appropriately.
If you and your partner are feeling stuck and having difficulty breaking this negative cycle in your relationship schedule your Virtual/Online/Telehealth Couples Counseling Session HERE.