You’ve decided to part ways. Even though the decision was right for you, it wasn’t easy. It’s still not. Divorce is a process. The healing doesn’t happen overnight.
And it’s frustrating.
In your mind you know that this is what’s best for you both. Still, you let the “what if’s” float through your mind. You sabotage your mindset with self-deprecating thoughts. Some days you’re happy, others you’re not. It’s a roller coaster ride that’s tough to avoid. When you’re on it, you might feel stuck.
That’s what one reader is feeling now as he goes through his second divorce. James wrote:
“I am in the process of getting divorced and having difficulty getting over the breakup. It’s my second marriage. Dealing with the loss this time around is no different than the first. In fact, it’s harder. I feel stuck. I don’t know how to get past the divorce and move forward in a positive way. I know the marriage is irreparable, but I am having a hard time letting go. I’m not ready to date yet but still have hopes of a healthy relationship in my future. How can I be sure I find the right person in my next relationship?”
My advice: Let yourself mourn. Don’t rush forward. Use this time to understand what happened and learn valuable lessons.
There are a myriad of emotions that run through a person after a loss. Loss, rejection, detection, sadness, anger, and more. These are all normal feelings that arise during the mourning process. They are experienced at different stages.
Don’t fall into the comparison trap. In divorce, there’s no such thing as “normal.”
Depending on how long the relationship was in tact and how much was invested emotionally the mourning time might be longer than others. Accept that you’re going through something difficult and allow yourself to grieve. Forgive yourself. Soon, you’ll reach a phase of acceptance. It’s at that phase that you’ll be able to move forward into a new relationship.
Half of people who get divorced remarry. Still, over 65% of second marriages end in divorce. The examination period after a divorce is the best way to prevent this from happening.
Look for unhealthy patterns and dynamics. Ask yourself the following:
- What kind of relationship did I attract?
- What kind of issues did we have?
- How did I contribute to the relationship in both a positive and negative way?
- What do I need to own up to before I get into another relationship?
Give yourself the right to do some inward thinking. Be cognizant about your inner growth and development. Becoming self-aware opens you up to making inner shifts and changes.
Once you feel more centered and focused, you’re ready to work on attracting a healthier relationship. You’re more prepared and can start finding love again. After all, love is usually out there waiting to meet you in vast and mysterious ways. By becoming your best version of YOU, you can attract a more evolved partner.
We all have “blind spots.” Learning to break through subconscious barriers to see our true self will help.