Dating is annoying at times and can trigger our insecurities making it an extremely emotional process. It’s taxing to wait for the person to call or text us to let us know that they want to see us again, and that we passed their test so far. We become anxious, wondering if we will ever meet that special someone to share life with?
A subscriber, Jackie, recently wrote to me saying she is feeling ready to date again after a difficult breakup, but fears the dating process. Jackie, 39 years old, has been divorced from her husband for over 2 years and stated; “I don’t think there are any good guys out there and people of quality who are still single.” Jackie expressed self doubt, believing that she will end up alone because she doesn’t think anyone would want to date her at her age. “Are there any good guys left out there?” she asked, wanting my advice and fearful that her dating days are over.
I told Jackie that I have had many clients who have been in her age range and in this position. They also felt hopeless and never thought they could meet someone. They used their age, weight, race and financial status as excuses to block taking action to date. The good news is that even though dating isn’t easy, the ones who really wanted to meet someone and put effort into getting themselves out there all ended up finding their perfect partner.
I advised that there are key steps she must take before she begins dating again. It’s important to learn the valuable lessons of your past relationships and be clear about what characteristics you are looking for now in a partner. Think about and write down your “*negotiables, and non- negotiables.”
You need to focus on any internal obstacles that are getting in your way, for example, what kind of people do you tend to choose to get involved with? Are they powerful, self absorbed, critical or unavailable? Ask yourself, why did I pick them? *Acknowledge, your previous patterns and learn from them.*
You want to focus on your belief system. Recognize the hidden unhealthy thoughts that are getting in your way and creating negative energy. For example, I’m too old, I’m overweight, I am not attractive enough, etc. You must believe the right partner is out there and feel “this can happen for me.”
The final step is making your dream a reality by taking action to put yourself out there. Find things you love to do that are social, pursue hobbies and get your profile online. Did you know that 80 percent of people meet through an online dating site? Once we make the necessary internal shifts, we are ready for love and we can once again open all the channels in our lives to invite love in.
If you are already dating or in a relationship, are you feeling challenged because you don’t feel heard, getting the empathy you need or that your partner understands you? Are you not feeling the romance and intimacy the way you did when you first started dating?
It is possible to feel heard, get your needs met and reconnect to your partner feeling the romance like when you first started dating.
After 18 years of being a therapist and practicing counseling with thousands of couples, I have broken down the basics of relationship challenges and put together something so easy to access and understand that can help you learn how to effectively communicate and get that connection back to your partner. f you’re ready to feel heard and rekindle the romance and intimacy, then this is for you.